Tuesday, December 8, 2015

notes on: sobriety (six years)

it was less than a year ago that i revealed a little secret. i thought about it long and hard before i decided to make my anonymous self known. you see, the biggest part of me... who i am, how i relate to the world, and what shapes me (for good or for bad) is this very tiny fact that...i am, an alcoholic. 

keeping that part of myself secret was a necessity for a long time. i needed to know a few things before i could let other people in on such a personal part of my life. i needed to know whether i was okay with myself, being an alcoholic. did i accept it? did i honor it? did i find pride, humility, joy in who i was, if who i was included this dark little secret?

 because i kept my "festive" drinking to myself (and the very few lucky individuals who had the pleasure of seeing me in action) it was hard to explain who i was as an alcoholic. i was the alcoholic of the worst kind. i endured intense erosion. erosion of the body, erosion of the spirit. the saddest part about drinking, the true plight of the alcoholic is this...the erosion is self induced. i was the only one responsible for it and the only one who could fix it. although, to be clear... God and Grace had a heavy hand in the fixing, but i was responsible for the first step. getting honest.

six years ago today, i woke up in a fog. i was hungover (for the last time).  i felt desperate, hopeless, and so incredibly tired. i sought help. i got in with a crowd of people that (if i'm honest) i never wanted to be in with. but with a little help from this special group of men and women (with similar erosion capabilities)... i learned a new (and beautiful) way of life.

i don't need to drink. i don't want to drink. and every once in a while, if the thought, "hey! one little drink might feel nice" does come up- i don't have to listen. i know how to turn that voice off. i didn't know where the off-switch was when i was drinking. the secret, my friends, is this. if i don't start, i don't have to use an off-switch. it's quite simple, but not easy. staying stopped is the hardest job i will ever have in this life of mine. it's my most important work.

what i've learned in my six years of sobriety is this. life sends babies, death, heart troubles, laughter, heartache, love, fear, and everything else (good and bad) in between. none of these, i have control over. i do, however, have control over whether or not i will live in a state of constant erosion. i choose, not to erode but to grow with grace and dignity. 

one day at a time.   (if you want to read more about my story to recovery- you can find it here)

"You've made this day a special day by just your being you. There is no person in the whole world like you, and I like you just the way you are."- Mr. Rodgers.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

sailor is two.

this year, we gave sailor an impromtu birthday party to celebrate his second birthday. it was so impromtu that i didn't even think about taking pictures at his party! we rented a huge jumpy house, ordered pizza, and ate a delicious cake from Dick's Bakery in san jose. easton's closest friends were the ones invited to the party (sailor doesn't have many of his own buddies). we had a great time and most importantly, so did sailor!

at two years old sailor is....

still not sleeping through the night. he wakes up around 11pm and doesn't go back to sleep until one of us picks him up from his crib and brings him into bed with us. he still likes to eat! he eats so much cereal and eggs in the morning, that i can't believe he is ever hungry again during the day. he loves his daddy- those two have a very special bond, which if i'm honest, makes me feel a little unneeded at times. they love to goof around, cuddle, and sing songs together at bed time! it's actually very sweet.

sailor has a very funny personality. he makes his voice go extremely low, and says....mooooommmmmmyyyy. he loves to play with easton and has started to speak up for himself when easton tries to steal a toy or take control of their play time. he points out houses while we drive and says..."house." he says goodbye to molly when we leave the house, every single day. he calls his grandma "baba" which in turkish means Daddy. we all get a kick out of that (my nephew is half turkish and calls his daddy "baba").

sailor loves to hop like a frog, tries to do handstands, and spins in circles when he's excited (or dancing). he imitates everything easton does (much to easton's annoyance) and still cuddles with tony and i fiercely and lovingly. his favorite toy, by far, is a ball. the kid loves to play with ball! we bought him a basketball hoop for his birthday and he absolutely loves it!

sailor takes a long time to warm up to people and things. he's an observer. he does what he wants, as soon as he's comfortable, but it takes him some time to get comfortable. now that i know that about him, i try to get to places early...so he has time to get himself acquainted and is able to enjoy himself (like music class, birthday parties, play dates, etc.)

we love our little guy and can't wait to see what 2+ is going to bring!

thanksgiving in tahoe!

we decided to rent a house with some friends in tahoe for thanksgiving, this year. tony and i usually spend thanksgiving by ourselves, with friends, or on a little trip- we sorta feel that there are SOOO many holidays that we celebrate with family, that investing one holiday a year with the family friends we've created, is a good way to forge lasting and loving relationships with people who don't share our dna. after all, my "family" is made up of my parents' best friends. these were friendships that they made before their kids were born- and it took lots of time, energy, and investment to create those valuable relationships. i want that for us and for our kids!

the four frascone's piled into the car on wednesday morning. luckily, the storm in tahoe happened the day before we left, so traffic wasn't nearly as bad as we had anticipated. it took about five hours to get to our cabin. although the kids were bored, i'm happy to say that they behaved very well, and didn't watch a single episode of micky mouse (or anything else) for our entire drive!

we arrived at the fabulous four bedroom, three bath cabin in the early evening. the kids started playing with their friends immediatley! those five children played non-stop for four days. honestly, it was the easiest parenting weekend i've ever experienced.

Brad and i cooked the thanksgiving meal, and it was pretty good...if i do say so myself! i made pumpkin pie, root vegetables, and candied yams (my favorite)! i love sharing the kitchen with pals- although most of the time, it's my male friends that are the ones cooking with me (hey ladies, step up yo game!!).

the boys went sledding with the kids (sailor even got on the sled a few times) and i stopped by to take pictures and do a couple of runs with easton! sailor was a little IFFY about the snow- but he did better than i expected! i think he even liked it, a little bit. 

we had so much fun relaxing and watching our combined five children play! we had football on the tv throughout the entire weekend, and (luckily) i got to sneak away for some black friday shopping (online). the kids went with the adults in the hot tub, ate ice cream, and thoroughly enjoyed all the play time they could get, with each other!

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