Wednesday, May 28, 2014

mama to a six month old.


on sailor's six month birthday he was baptized. more on the baptism in another post- but it was a very special day.

sailor is as sweet as ever. he's been teething the last couple of weeks, so there has been a lot (i mean, a lot) of cranky nights and restless days. he's been eating a lot and growing a whole lot. i think he woke up ten pounds heavier today.

he is doesn't talk very much, i've actually been a bit concerned about his lack of babbling. i have to remind myself that the only person i really have to compare him to is easton, and easton was a huge huge talker. easton said "mama" regularly and only directed at me by the time he was 6 and a half months old. no joke. so, i am giving sailor a bit of leniency, because he is is own guy. he'll do things on his own time.

sailor is a very strong little baby. he rolls from here to there and everywhere. he loves his brother, and laughs out loud at easton all day long. speaking of his laugh. he laughs all the time. it's beautiful and overly loud. my laugh is as loud as can be, so i'd like to think that he got it from me.

one thing that sailor does, that is so uniquely him- he arches his back (like almost into a back bend) when he's tired. he's almost arched out of my grasp a few times- luckily he hasn't jumped out yet. yet.


*fun fact: that rattle was mine when i was a baby. sailor is using it to chew on to relieve his teething pain ;)

Monday, May 26, 2014

notes on fear.




fear is one of those nasty little things that can eat away at my serenity.

i would say that i have to work daily at living in the present and not living in the future. when i'm living in fear, i'm fantasizing about how my life might look tomorrow, next week, or years from now.

as many of you know, my husband (whom i love, dearly) has heart disease. he has had some major stuff go wrong with that ticker, and i have been lucky enough to walk through both of those extremely hard events right by his side. one thing that i can tell you, however, is that both of his heart attacks have left me a little…scared.

when i'm in a really good place, i look at my husband with love, affection, admiration, and respect. i see him for who he is right in that very moment. i adore him. when i'm in a bad place, a fear place, i look at him with sadness. i feel like, tony is sand that i'm desperately trying to grasp and it's just slipping through my fingers. i'm afraid of losing him. i'm desperate to see inside his heart and know exactly how it's looking in there. are his arteries clear? is the blood flowing just right? is there any damage?

once i get into this fear space, it's really hard for me to get out. i start thinking about my kids, how will i raise them without a father, if something happens to tony? how will i move on without him? maybe i shouldn't have a third child, because i can probably support two kids on my own, but three? i'm just not sure about three.

fear makes me controlling. i start getting panicky and try to micro-manage his food choices. i remind him more than i should about his gym habits.

what i can tell you about fear is this…it can ruin a good thing. it can corrode a marriage and hurt the very person you are trying to grasp onto with all your might.

i have to work daily, truly every single day, at living in the present. i have to enjoy my husband for exactly who he is at this exact moment. i have to trust, that the God who created this universe in all of it's beauty has a plan that is so much bigger and so much more beautiful than any plan that i could come up with. i have to live in a place of faith- that the very God who created my husband, loves him more than i do.

a friend said to me once- "if you're going to fantasize about the future, why not imagine that it's just the way you want it?" so that's what i do. when i get really consumed by what "might" happen, i try to visualize sitting on a porch (probably somewhere in the pacific northwest) next to tony, watching our grandchildren running through the sprinklers (or stomping in puddles, it being the pacific northwest and all).

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

goals.



as i've said before, i've been struggling a little bit with losing the weight i gained while pregnant with sailor. i gained quite a few el-bees. (lbs. ;) 60, to be exact. the shedding of these pounds have been a little slower than i expected. actually, a lot slower.

i'm not sure what i really expected. i am fully aware that it took nine months to gain the weight, so shedding it probably wouldn't be much faster than nine months. i've been working, taking care of two kids, keeping up on personal commitments, and taking care of my home. working out, eating right, counting calories- these all take time and i don't have a lot of time. but, i have lost 22 pounds since January 1rst. which, i suppose is quite a big feat.

i've made a commitment for the next thirty days to work out every day (even if it's just a quick walk or a yoga dvd during my kid's naps), count my calories (even if i do go over my daily allotment), stop eating desert, and stop eating past dinner time (i'm a 10pm cereal junkie).

i'm really excited about this commitment and even started a Facebook group with some of my friends to help keep me accountable and gain some support. hopefully i will see some great results in the next thirty days!

i'll keep you posted.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

portrait, 19 of 52.



sailor: he's been so excited by his brother, lately. he just laughs and smiles at whatever easton does.
easton: he helped me make tofu tacos last night for dinner. (tofu is a perfect toddler-cutting activity because all he needs is a butter knife to cut it!) of course, he didn't eat it. ;(

Thursday, May 15, 2014

summer travel.


i have been looking for places to travel this summer. ideas have ranged from Trinidad and Tabago, Kauai, Stinson Beach, and good ol' camping in Yosemite. i am trying to decide between spending far too much money on a first class vacation and spending almost nothing on camping in the woods. tony and i have done lots of small trips throughout our marriage, but nothing over-the-top. i'd love to go to hawaii with my family one of these days, but i just can't seem to pull the trigger for this summer.

any trip ideas? trinidad and tabago caught my attention because of the leatherback turtle reserve and beautiful accommodations in the rainforest.

i am a huge fan of hiking, as you all know, and tony loves to lay out on the beach. hawaii seems like the perfect combination of the two. i also love the woods, although rainforest hiking happens to be my most favorite thing on the planet. i really wish we lived in New York. ughhh. it's so much easier to take a quick-ish trip to paris or london. that would be amazing.


i grew up camping, but tony isn't a very big fan. i know it's hard to believe, but i'm so good at roughing it- and tony is, well, sorta prissy about it.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

portrait, 18 of 52.



easton: what do you say about this picture? amazing. (he's been wearing his fire man boots everywhere!)
sailor: sailor-boy's hair is OUT OF THIS WORLD. it spikes straight up.

Monday, May 5, 2014

notes on mourning.



a friend died two weeks ago. i got a call at 8:30 in the morning on easter sunday. the call came from one of my best friends. shayne was sobbing, at first i thought she said "dakota died" (dakota is her dog) but then she repeated herself. "dad died."

after i understood what shayne said, i heard her say; "can i see you?"

"of course you can see me. i'm on my way right now," i said.

as i pulled my things together, 5 month old infant included, i cried. i cried for shayne. i cried for the loss of such a great man.

as i drove to shayne's parent's house to wait with her and her mom for the morgue to come and pick up rich's body, i thought about what a blessing it was to be her phone call.  what a beautiful gift God has given me, the chance to be the person who shows up for a friend in need. i get to sit with my friend in her darkest hour. i get to hold the hand of lorrie, who woke up less than two hours ago to her husband of 40 years, gone.

for the first time, i understood why the bible has so many references to those in mourning. i understood what it meant when God said. "blessed are tho

se who mourn." blessed- the word means upmost happiness. joy. how can i be joyful in a time of such sorrow and pain? joy permeates even the darkest of hours if you let it. joy is one of those things that stays.

even as tears were streaming down my face as i hugged lorrie when i walked in the house- i felt that joy. that enduring gift that God has given me. the understanding that in this life, our greatest accomplishment is not to be loved, but to love. it's to comfort, rather than be comforted. it is to understand rather than be understood, and have faith when there is only doubt.

there is so much beauty in mourning. so much lightness. it's hard to feel it, or see it but it's there. i believe whole heartedly that God uses such pain and sorrow to sow the seeds of joy, love, and grace. the loss of my own father made me far more capable of being an anchor for my friend. one day, she will know how to anchor someone else.

so much beauty.

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