Friday, February 20, 2015

i've been eating, cooking, reading, browsing, and buying…

i've been eating: lot's of semi healthy stuff. which is semi normal for me. i've decided to work on consuming less carbohydrates during each meal- i'm sort-of following a diabetes diet. 45 grams of carbs at each meal and 15 grams during snacks. i'm not following this precisely, but i'm working on it. i don't eat meat/poultry very often so it's easy for me to eat LOT'S of carbs if i'm not careful. we still get Plated deliveries every week, which is awesome for mixing up the recipes and eating new dishes. we really love it.

i've been cooking: the last meal i cooked (yesterday) was quinoa fried rice with carrots, scallions, onion, ginger, garlic, and egg whites. it was really good. that's a dish i make quite often. we make pizza every friday night with easton- so that was tonight's meal. i ate two small slices of that with veggie spring rolls from whole foods (my go-to friday night dinner).

i've been reading: i just finished Traveling Mercies by Anne Lammot. Annie is a new york times best seller, and happens to be my kid's sunday school teacher. she's a long time member at our tiny church and one of the best writers in the world. she's amazing. read any one of her 15 books. they will blow your mind.

i've been browsing: i'm always browsing, aren't i? well, lately i've been trying to keep my browsing to a minimum. i gave up shopping (of any kind, except groceries) for lent. but, i've been looking for the perfect purse for some time now. i've found one. i want it. i won't be buying it. here it is, if you wanna take a look. it's beautiful, no? (i love Clare Vivier bags).

i've been buying: well. see above. since i'm not currently shopping, i'll tell you what i bought last month. a trip to hawaii in March. also, i went on a lulu lemon shopping spree and bought three yoga tops and three pairs of leggings. so that's that.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

dear, body.

dear body,

i want to take some time to acknowledge YOU.

let me start by saying how thankful i am for you. you've been through a lot over the last thirty years, and i've just been sitting inside your head, thinking about all the ways i'd change you.

i'd also like to apologize. i'm sorry for all of the food restriction, food binging, and all of the sugary deserts i throw at you time and time again. i know those kidneys have worked really hard to regulate all the crazy food i've given you over the years. i'm sorry for the waist trainers and spanx- those must be uncomfortable. i'm sorry for all the alcohol and the nicotine. i'm sorry for the tattoos and piercings.

i must confess that over the years i haven't given much thought to the aluminum that's in the deodorant/antiperspirant i've applied to you…that can't be good for you. i've covered you up with makeup and whitened your teeth with unnatural products more times than i can count. i've never given you the opportunity to be good enough. i've never accepted you just as you are. for all of that, i am so sorry.

you are amazing.

wow. you've grown two children in your body. you've fed and nourished both of those children after giving birth to them. you healed the shattered ankle and became more fit and more active than you ever were before that break. you swam alcatraz. you have hiked more mountains than my little mind can remember and you've run great distances- just for the hell of it. you stood on your feet through years of working retail and didn't complain (well, almost never).

thank you for telling me when it's time to relax, even though i don't ever like to shut off this brain of mine. thank you for bouncing back from all of the sunburns over the years. i'm really sorry about those. i've spent so much time trying to make you more beautiful, more fit, more accepted. you are beautiful. you are strong and poised. you are my better half. over the years i have been more focused on myself than i've ever been on you.

i need you to know how grateful i am. how amazed i am at your ability to heal, nourish, give life, run, hike, swim, bend, flex, and carry. you've held my children in your arms thousands of times. you've wiped their tears and jumped on beds with them. thank you for flying kites with easton and swimming with sailor. thank you for working with me during our yoga classes. thank you for remembering to breath in and out.

you are something you be honored and treated like a temple. i will work on loving you as you deserve to be loved.


dear mind,

we're partners. that's what i'm here for.

but, i could do without the spanx.


Monday, February 16, 2015

san francisco.

tony and i drive our children to marin every single sunday for church. we love our little church and it is soooo worth the hour long drive (each way) to get there. every week easton is super pumped about going on the golden gate bridge. it's one of our favorite moments of every single sunday- driving over that beautiful bridge. the most amazing thing about our long sundays in marin is that we are able to explore a part of the bay that we never have before.  marin, san francisco, sausalito- we get so spend so much time doing new things in new places once a week. we absolutely love it. sunday is a designated family day.

yesterday we left church and drove into san francisco. we went to dolores park on what was probably the most beautiful day in san francisco EVER. it was 78 degrees and sunny. the park was full of people from all walks of life. there were hundreds of people sitting on the grass, eating snacks, playing on the playground, and (obviously) juggling.

easton and sailor played on the playground (non-stop) for so long. we bought easton an ice cream from the ice cream man, and climbed up the steep stairs to the longest and highest slide i have ever seen. easton couldn't get enough of that slide. sailor played in the little kid's area where he climbed up the little slide like a baby monkey. oh my goodness, he is so cute.

we went to tartine bakery after the park for sandwiches and desert. the lemon cream tart was out of this world. by the time we left the bakery both of my boys had taken off their shoes and walked down the street of san francisco to our car in bare feet. my little hippies.

yesterday was also me and tony's seven year wedding anniversary. i couldn't think of a better way to spend it! next week we'll be doing some other fabulous thing after church. probably a ferry ride out of the marin harbor or something equally wonderful. no matter what we do, we'll be together. xo

Friday, February 13, 2015

conversations with easton.

easton has been saying the sweetest little things lately. some of the stuff is just too sweet to EVER forget. i hope i remember this stuff forever…

"mama, i love you sooooo much"

"mama, i have lot's and lot's and lot's of chocolate. i really wish i could share it with you…" (he knows that i don't eat chocolate because it gives me migraines…)

"when i was a baby in your tummy, when did i decide to peek out?"

"if my nail breaks, will i have to go to God's house??? [he says as he's whimpering/tearing up]

me: "why did you crawl into our bed last night?" easton: "i just wanted to get comfy and cozy and cuddle you, mama."

"it's okay. you don't have to say sorry, mommy."

"mama, when i grow up i want to be like those mans that are building the houses." (while driving past a construction site)

"that's not a mini van.  minnie's not on it!" (no minnie mouse on the mini van. duh)

oh, easton. you are the sweetest, most tender little boy that ever walked this planet. thank you for being so kind hearted. so sweet. and so full of wonderful thoughts. be still, my heart.

Sunday, February 8, 2015


for some time now i have debated on sharing a part of my life which is extremely…anonymous. i thought about it. i prayed about it. i talked with friends and loved ones about it. finally, i made a decision.

it is my belief that we are made strong by grace and honesty. all of us can overcome adversity if we give people a chance to love us through hard times and in turn, love others through their hard times. i feel it an honor and a privilege to share my story in the hopes that someone, somewhere might find their voice in their own struggle. an over sharer, i may be. but i like it that way. transparency is a gift. i find that when i am transparent- people feel they can be transparent with me. transparency opens doors, windows, attics, closets, trunks…(you get the picture). people open up when we open up, first. it's a beautiful thing.

i was recently asked to write for a post for a blog whose purpose aligns SO wholly with mine. Brave Stories creates a platform to those of us who have walked through challenging times and have come out the other side.

"if you're going through hell, keep going"- winston churchill

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

notes on adult friends.

 most of my friends have been in my life since i was a wee child. seriously, since like, five years old. the amazing thing about those friends is that we have so much history. my friends know/knew my parents, they were with me during my awkward elementary school years. every one of them can tell you who my 1-6th grade crush was. they could also tell you who my 7-12th grade crush was. they were with me through my "festive" years and are by my side through my sober years. even if we can't talk about each and everything we are going through in our daily lives- we have a past. we're loyal. we will do anything for each other. ride or die.

adult friends are so much more complicated. we don't have that same history. we can't bring up funny stories from the past or inside jokes that are fifteen years old to fill silent spaces in our conversation. adult friends have to have real stuff in common. we can't just rely on history and loyalty to fuse our relationship.

i am a deep, sensitive, and complex human. i need a soul connection to be really invested. i want my friends to understand me, or at the very least, hear me. i need a friend who can talk about that real, brutal, beautiful, and complex stuff that goes on in our heads, hearts, and spirit. the problem with adult friends vs. kid friends is that kid friends know me without trying. they've watched me grow up. change. adult friends actually have to try. they have to be willing to hear me and let me hear them or else, what the hell are we trying to forge here? what's the point? social friends are cool and all- but i have kids and a job and a husband and a program and sponsees, and yoga (don't ya know). i need friends that can ride or die. i need a soul connection. i need a friendship that is as complex and layered and beautiful as my life is.

please understand that having fun with friends is so important to me. but if i can't be real. if i can't talk about the life that i love- the real one- (not the sparkly instagram version, life)…it's just not for me.

i'm grateful for my beautiful relationships. i'm thankful for the women who trudge along side me on this road of life. adult friends and kid friends. sheesh. thank you, God for the beauty in my life.

Monday, December 1, 2014

dad's train.

this weekend my brother-in-law set up my dad's old train set. it's been so many years since we've seen that train chug around the electric track. my dad loved that old thing. every christmas he brought brought it out, set it up with engineer precision- quietly, steadily, patiently. i have such beautiful memories of that train set. many of the models for the "village" were made by my dad's two hands. my dad loved that thing. (today i joking said to my mom, "i bet lot's of resentment was brewing while dad played with this set for hours while you handled two kids on your own." Ha! now that i'm a mama, i sure do know how annoying that might have been. (she smiled and nodded.)

today, as easton played with the train, i could imagine my dad in heaven, beaming at this little three year old. i could hear his laugh, and feel his joy. thank you God, for keeping my dad alive through happy things- like trains.

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